MY TOP FIVE STUDENT MEALS

We’ve all been there. Staring at the cupboard, waiting for magic to happen; bring us something, anything, edible that tastes even remotely appetizing. Well, with a few intuitive ideas one can make wine out of water. In a way. Well, not really, but although you may be a cheap-skate, you can still enjoy your food. My five top student meals are as follows below.

Skeddy:

Vegetarian (depending on what ingredients Tesco use)

Ingredients: Pasta, CuppaSoup.

Estimated cost: 10-20p

In an existential momentary lapse of reason and conformity, this author had the ingenious idea of combining the two ingredients above to create a staple diet of the student. Vaguely nutritious, if at all, this will have you full for the better part of an evening. Topped up with alcohol of your choice, it is more than enough to approach a night of abuse.

First off, approach this dish with a bangin’ playlist on the sound-system (DemonFM?). Once the neighbours are happy that they can hear said tunes through the paper-thin walls, you are ready. If you have a fear of boiling water, man the fuck up. Get your pot and boil a heap of water. Light one up, and chill. It is essential that one is chill as a cucumber during this process. Too much stress equals unhappy student. Once that water is bubbling and has an aroma of burnt hob-rings, slap in as many sticks of spaghetti as one sees fit. Once again, one may allow oneself to skedaddle for a while. Just make sure that the pasta doesn’t get too excited and spill everywhere. Once the pasta is fit to stick to the ceiling when thrown above your head, it is cooked. Any more and it’s paste. Get a cup and throw a healthy serving of CuppaSoup in, with boiling water to taste. Pour the sauce (from a height) on top of the skeddy, and ingest.

Bread:
Vegetarian

Ingredients: Flour, Yeast, Water.

Estimated cost: 30-40p

The diet of the Romans, this white stuff will keep you going through those hard winter days. During those days it sure is tough for us. All I remember about that time is the rain and the poverty. Terrible. The main advantage of this dish is the fact that a loaf is a generous helping of food. Not just for one meal, you can take and take from the loaf as you see fit.

Get a sachet of yeast, and sprinkle that crude smelling stuff into a bowl. Add lukewarm water – not too hot, not too cold – into the bowl and mix around with your finger. This shall proceed to activate the yeast. Essentially, how much water you put in should be about a cup. I never measure. Disregard the constabulary. Once you are happy that your finger smells rotten, add in flour. Or flower. Add in enough to get the correct consistency. You’ll be able to judge it yourself. I believe in you. Let her rise for a few hours, this is the fun part. Again, chill. Slap her in the oven at a whopping 170-180 degrees, then pull her out when she’s done. Stick a knife in to check. To check for what I’m not sure, but it looks professional. Done.

Eggs and bread:

Vegetarian

Ingredients: uhh…

Estimated cost: 10-15p

Boil it, toast it, butter it. Bam.

Hash Browns/Potato Waffles/Potato Things:
Vegetarian

Ingredients: Potato, Egg

Estimated cost: 10-20p

By now the playlist will have been going for quite a while. Time for a change into the realm of the funk. I recommend Escort – Cocaine Blues. Funk it. Obtain some spuds from the market; well cheaper than Tesco, probably well healthier too. Looking out for you. However, I think Tesco eggs are probably more economical in this case. Peel them potatoes if needs be, then get a grater. Grate the potatoes down to a cheese-replica, and set them in a bowl. Sounds mad… Anarchy. Crack an egg – bonus brownie points for a one-handed melee attack – over the potato mix and stir with your finger again. Finger abuse; ban this sick filth. Basically, let ingenuity take its creative reigns and throw in whatever herbs, spices, veg… you may wish to add. It all works, we live in a free society. Lob some oil in a hot pan, and put a decent amount of the potato stuff in the pan. Fry it until golden brown, and serve with a sauce of your liking. Easy peasy. Only downside would be that unless you want black potatoes on your plate, you need quite a substantial amount of oil. Filling, and a good deal healthier than other foods.

Oats and Honey:

Vegetarian

Ingredients: Oats, Honey, Oil

Estimated cost: 15-25p

What meal would be complete without an obesity-inducing amount of sugar. No matter how many potatoes you eat, even enough to cause another famine, you still need that sugar rush at the end to complete the food coma. Get enough honey to shun the bees, and pour it into a pot. Add a little drizzle of oil (we’re on a diet here) and heat it up until it becomes the deathly liquid you need. Stir the bejesus out of it, or it’ll stick. Add those wonderful oats, and take it off the heat, stirring until everything is in sync. Don’t add too many oats. Spread over a roll of baking paper, and throw in the oven on high heat for a few minutes to make ’em dry. Too long and she’ll turn black. Take out, and throw in a bowl for now, or a container for the library. You’ll need to be discreet in there though. You can add all manner of nuts and bolts to this meal, but who wants to spend money on them? Not me. Enjoy.

The views and ideas discussed here are solely the authors work, and do not necessarily represent the views of anyone. I have tried and tested these meals, so I know they work. Vaguely healthy too. Give ’em a shot, never know. Enjoy.

Fiachradh McDermott

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